How to Become a Good Man: The 3 Pillars of Healthy Masculinity
The Crisis of Modern Masculinity
We live in a modern culture where masculinity has been systematically defamed, demoralized, deconstructed, and deformed for the last 70 years. You can’t even be a man and talk about being a man these days without making people uncomfortable — men and women alike.
Men often lack the language and security to address what is happening in our culture or advocate for the challenges they are experiencing without feeling shame or weakness. Too often, I find women’s perspectives are either warped by modern feminist thinking, progressivism, and secularism — or they rightly fear going backwards toward a more unequal society.
In some circles of thought, as a middle-aged white male I supposedly have no right to speak on any of this — dismissed as a privileged, patriarchal, oppressive “white devil.” Luckily, I’ve never minded challenging the status quo, nor do I let such a worldview drive my ethics.
How Masculinity Got Distorted
What I think was an absolutely vital and necessary societal shift to raise women up toward equal treatment and liberty has ended up not elevating women but tearing men down.
If you walk into any cultural conversation today, you’ll hear a confusing caricature of modern men. On one hand, typical traits of masculinity are labeled “toxic” — drive is said to lead to power gone wrong, abuse, domination, or gain at the expense of others. On the other hand, you’ll hear about weak or absent men: fatherless homes, feminized men, and forever-boys living on video games in momma’s basement.
I’ve known plenty of guys in both of these buckets, and both seem to know deep down there is another way — but they don’t know what it looks like or how to get there. Because as a man you’re taught to “suck it up,” don’t talk about it, and suffer in silence. This keeps too many men alone and stuck in shame in some area of their lives.
It’s a quagmire, a mucky mire for many, and I’m tired of seeing men struggle. After my own journey out of dysfunction (read Why I’m Building Risen Men), nearly 20 years of investing in men, and almost a decade of full-time ministry, I’ve done the hard work of becoming a healthy man and guiding many others on that same path.
Avoiding the Extremes of False Masculinity
So if we don’t want to become Andrew Tate — using women for our pleasure and defining our worth by material success — and we don’t want to spend our lives paying for girls on OnlyFans, sipping matcha lattes, smoking weed to ease our malaise, and numbing out in comfort, then what other options are there?
The truth is, both extremes miss the mark. Masculinity itself is not the enemy. Misguided masculinity is.
The questions that must be answered are: What does real masculinity look like? Is there such a thing as a good man? And if so, how do we become good men?
The 3 Pillars of Manhood
As a follower of Jesus and pastor, I come at this through the lens of a Christian worldview — building my life on timeless truths and the teaching of Jesus Christ. You may think all of that is stupid or meaningless, but the principles I’ll share will work for you nonetheless.
In all my years of working with people, I always aim to make the complex simple. I often joke that if it can’t be written on a drink napkin, it’s still too complicated. With that in mind, I’ve created what I call The 3 Pillars of Manhood.
To become good men, we can focus on building our masculinity around three core pillars: Self-Respect, Strength, and Service. Each of these pillars is a principle, but each also operates on a spectrum. Let’s dig into them a bit more.
Pillar 1: Self-Respect Through Character
Self-respect is gained through character — living our values with integrity even when it’s hard. Men who lack character live lives of compromise, constantly giving in to weakness, temptation, or intimidation.
Self-respect is impossible when living in compromise. Jesus said it’s what’s in the heart that defines or defiles a man. By getting clear and committed to the values we choose to build our lives on — and fighting to live them out daily, year after year — we become men of character.
To be a good man, we must be men of character, not compromise.
Pillar 2: Strength Through Competence
Strength is gained through competence. Physical strength absolutely matters, but it’s not the only dimension of manhood. You may be physically weak or even handicapped, but you can still be a man of great skill and competence in other domains of life.
Proverbs 3:5-6 reminds us to trust in the Lord with all our heart and lean not on our own understanding — in all our ways acknowledge Him, and He will make our paths straight.
Godly men can grow wise and skilled in every domain: physically fit, mentally sharp, emotionally mature, spiritually vibrant, relationally connected, financially strong, and vocationally accomplished.
But competence doesn’t just happen. Too many men drift into the trap of complacence. Complacence robs us of competence because competence must be learned and earned, not coasted into.
To become men of strength, we must cast off complacence and grow in competence.
Pillar 3: Service Through Calling
Service is gained through calling. I believe God created every one of us on purpose.
Ephesians 2:10 boldly declares, “We are God’s masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.”
Our lives are not just about us. When men live for a purpose beyond themselves, their self-respect and their strength are galvanized and mobilized to make the world around them better.
Toxic or weak men live for themselves. They avoid the sacrifice of service to cling to comfort. By putting our comforts in their proper place, we can marshal our strength to serve others and make a difference.
Jesus himself said He did not come to be served but to serve. We live as true and good men when we serve.
The Path Toward Good Men
At the end of the day, men don’t need another label, stereotype, or shaming lecture. What we need is a vision.
A good man is not defined by comfort, compromise, or complacence — but by character, competence, and calling. This is the path to self-respect, strength, and service.
It’s the path away from confusion and back toward becoming the kind of men our families, our communities, and our world desperately need.
If you’re a man ready to take action on this, I encourage you to join Risen Men. We cover this topic and more in much more depth every week. Learn more here.